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To Be Anyone But Me

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

Look at me, I seem a rather happy child
With a life of things tender and mild
A life where there is no need for lies
A life in which she rarely cries.

How stereotypical of you my friend
My life is quite different from beginning to end
Much worse than just petty remorse and guilt
Depression covers my days like a fitted quilt
It makes the slightest drop overflow my cup
I'm forever looking down, not up.

Even my smile can't disguise
Those refuge tears in my eyes
Take a look inside my heart
And you'll see my life has fallen apart.

Friends I have many but they can't see
What kind of pain lies inside of me
They want me to be happy, they even coax
Hell they even laugh at most of my jokes,
But that's not all a friend is for
Call me greedy but I need more,
I need people who actually want me there
I need to know they really care.

I need someone who'll be there before the tears run down my cheeks
Someone who won't continue ignoring me for the next few weeks
But when I'm being the only person I know how
To a life like this I should say chow
Because I'm not pretty and popular like everyone I know
Me and all those things simply don't go
For this reason I hate popularity and I hate wealth
But most of all I hate myself.

I can't be someone I'm not
I could keep trying until I rot
The only person who brought this on me was me
If only I'd been me and not the person I was pretending to be

I hope everyone else knows how lucky they are
Because they are their own shining star,
They don't have a curse hanging over their head
Wishing they had died in that hospital bed,
Each day brings a new disappointment a new problem without a solution
When will this continuous circle come to a conclusion.

Everyone else would be happy to be you
I'd be happy to be you too
I'd give up anything to be happy again
To know what it is to have a true friend.

So while I'm stuck in a Pandora's box without a door
Happy to be rich be happy to be poor,
Happy to taste touch feel and see
But most of all be happy to be anyone but me.


       Who Am I       Faith, Hope, Triumph and Tragedy        Oncology       This Curse

       High School       Life is One Tough Pill to Swallow       Emotions       Other Stories and Poems


TAGS: acute lymphoblastic leukemia, Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario, CHEO soul, curse, grave, IV, crying, screaming, fighting God, Jesus, lord, cross, wood carving, pain, father, help, angel, heaven, dead, eternity, healthy, strength, fate, grave drugs, prednisone, bone marrow transplant, diagnosis, funeral, confidence, revenge Bad angry day, shattered, anger, frustration, suicide, emotion, insanity, desperate, oncology, high school, Remember, always in my heart, fear, misery, brave, courageous, Shaking, trembling, pounding, Stiff, still, inspiration faith, trust, conviction, spirituality, passion, love