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Chapter 6: Radiation


In the journey of self-discovery, Christine reaches a point of emotional rock bottom during her battle with cancer. She faces extreme depression and isolation, driving people away from her. Struggling in her own world of despair, she contemplates suicide as a way out. Amidst the darkness, poetry becomes her outlet to express her emotions. Through her poems, she unravels her inner turmoil and creates a connection to her feelings.

"This Curse (Radiation)" In this poem, Christine reflects on her changed perspective on life. She used to envision a perfect, carefree existence, but the reality has been far from it. Life's challenges have altered her in ways she never expected. She struggles to reconcile the person she has become with the person she once was. The mirror reflects a stranger, and she grapples with a sense of invisibility and internal pain. The poem conveys her internal conflict between her façade and the emotional turmoil she conceals.

"I Live a Lie" This poem delves deeper into Christine's emotional struggles. Alone, she grapples with a sense of living a false reality, where she awaits a goodbye that symbolizes the end of her pain. Disasters seem to befall her at every turn, and she describes the physical and emotional pain she endures with vivid imagery. The poem captures her sense of helplessness and the unpredictable nature of her emotional state. Despite the turmoil, she clings to moments of solace, escaping into her room and finding relief in music.

As Christine navigates the depths of her emotions, her writing becomes a lifeline, offering a way to process her pain and share her experiences with the world. The poems in this chapter offer an unfiltered glimpse into her internal struggles, portraying the rawness of her emotions and the profound impact of her journey as a childhood cancer survivor.

This Curse (Radiation)

During my never-ending search to find myself, I hit rock bottom emotionally. I became extremely depressed and drove people away. I became so alone, shut off in my own world of insanity, I became so desperate for a way out I became suicidal. My world became a dark place and the only way I could get out my emotions was with poetry. I wrote many poems, some about misery, depression, pain, life and poems about death. My poetry, in a way, pulled me apart from the rest of the world. The pen and paper would never betray me but the more I got into it the deeper and deeper I sank, until I could no longer feel life. Eventually people began to realize there was something wrong. About F**n Time, I had been having suicide thoughts for months, I was ready to destroy myself.


This Curse (Radiation)

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

I used to think life would be perfect, never a frown on my face
I’d have a perfect figure and always travel with grace,
I could pick my man from a catalogue that’s grown fit for a queen
I never thought that the people I loved could ever be so mean.

Life kind of just hit me not waiting ‘til I was ready
Knocked me from my stance in which I was so steady
It changed me as a person, a person that’s not me
It has changed me into everything I don’t want to be.
Sometimes I just can’t grasp it with the help of all my friends
It’s like trying to wrap your arms around a tree that never ends.

When I look in the mirror I despise what I see
The person starring back doesn’t resemble me,
She’s quite a different person with her heart so out of place
She becomes invisible when the tears run down her face.

She built a wall of shame around her soul and let’s no one in
She can fool you with her smile even though she cries within,
She keeps her feeling locked up in her heart,
When she’s all alone is when she falls apart.

I act as if I have it together and everything is in place
But when you’re not looking the tears begin to race
While people surround me I pretend not to care
My heart bleeds in pain when they are not there.

When my stomach gurgles with rage, you think its indigestion
But what is broken is more the appropriate question
What is broken cannot be fixed so don’t worry my friend
I’ll take this curse from the beginning to the very end,
Help me if you can listen, help me if you will
But I can’t cure this curse because there is no pill.

I Live a Lie

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

I live alone
I live a lie
Awaiting the day I say goodbye
Whenever I turn around disaster strikes
Pins and needles, knives and spikes.

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse
I’m smacked in the face with this curse
Whirled around till I’m miserable once more
Shaken until my body collapses on the floor.

In my room I can escape
And mold my worries into shape
I cry in pain until I just can’t any more
And listen to music to ease the sore.

Knowing it will all come back again
Sunshine pierced by pouring rain
Like tears of sadness splashing down on joy
Emotions are unpredictable as a toy.

At its mercy like a puppet on a string
A trapped dove without wings
On my head, always alone
Maybe one day I can fly home,
Fly high looking down on this pain
Maybe one day I’ll be happy again.

Other poems of interest for Radiation

My Soul          If Someone Cared          I’ve Changed So Much

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