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A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

14 years but I still don't know myself
I'm as lonely as the old book on the top shelf
I'm not dusty but my pages are stiff and torn
I'm as confused as I was when I was born.

I don't know who I am or where I'm going
I'm still amazed at the beauty of autumn leaves blowing
No one really knows who I am not even me
Life is more difficult than I ever thought it would be.

I wish I could go back to when I first opened my eyes
I would take it all back and be more wise
Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad
Maybe I'd have the guy I always wished I had.

People say change is just part of life
They forgot to mention it can stab like a knife
It can trash your image and ruin your dreams
It can loosen your screws and rip your seams.
It can trash a party and tear lives apart
But most of all it can break your heart.

My vision is blurred from the tears in my eyes
I know once in a while everyone cries
But not like I cry myself to sleep at night
Every day I have to put up a fight
A fight to find out why I'm here
A fight to find out why it's myself I fear

It's hard to live just one day without pain
I just give in knowing I have nothing to gain
I just can't live like this anymore
Yet there is no doctor that can cure this sore

I'm stuck in a dark room with no way out
I have nothing to do but live in doubt
No matter what I do this just won't go away
There's nothing to stop me from being this way
No one can save me I'm forever frowning
It's too late, I'm already drowning.

       Who Am I       Faith, Hope, Triumph and Tragedy        Oncology       This Curse

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