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A Poetic Novel

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Novel
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

My name is Christine  and I am a 15-year-old childhood cancer survivor. I thought that after I was discharged from the hospital everything would be normal or even sort of normal, but that’s not how this story goes. You see, somewhere through all this my soul has been scared and a curse cast upon myself, a curse I will take to my grave.

My story begins at the age of three in the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO).

I saw the tears in my mother’s eyes and the concern on my father’s face. I had no idea why or what was happening. “What’s going on momma?” I asked her. She didn’t reply, she just held my hand and started to cry.

Who Am I

When we found out that I had ALL, (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) my family members tried to explain to me what was going to happen, but I know now that nothing in the entire world could prepared me for what was about to happen.

Less than 40% chance is not what anyone would have hoped for. But you can’t change the odds; you can only fight against them and I promised myself to keep on fighting until I was just like everyone else again, until I could wake up in my own bed and run free without that stupid IV. No matter how painful a struggle no matter how long, I would have fought to eternity to be healthy again.

I was just a young child when I was first diagnosed with leukemia, a young girl whose fate would have brought her to the grave, but look at me now. I am standing here in front of you and although I may be far different from all of you on the outside, I am still a person on the inside. My physical scars in time will heal, but my emotional scars will remain forever.

       I Am a Rainbow
       Sky Gods
       Dear God
       The Suns Warming Glow
       In Your Heart
       Alice in Wonderland?
       ENTER THE REALM
       Dreams
       A New Day
       Tender Moments
       No Escape
       I Live a Lie
       This Little Song of Mine
       I Once was Lost

Poems of Faith, Hope, Triumph and Tragedy

My world became a dark place and the only way I could get out my emotions was with poetry. I wrote many poems, some about faith, depression, pain, life, hope and poems about and death.

       Poems of Faith, Hope, Triumph and Tragedy

Oncology

Welcome to the CHEO oncology ward.

All I had ever wanted as a child was to be loved and accepted. There was only one place I had ever felt equal and that was the fourth floor of CHEO where I was treated as a patient with leukemia. That was the one place I never looked at myself in the mirror and felt I didn’t belong. When I was there it was the only time I was not the only bald headed three year old with a hole in my chest. I was one of many little children fighting for life. In that hospital I found all the love and care I could ever ask for.

       Because I Never Gave Up on Me
       Sarah's Story
       What If Faith is Not Enough?
       I Can Only Take So Much
       Bury Me a Stranger

The Curse

The Curse Christine refers to are the side effects and late effects of her radiation treatment. Some types of childhood cancer and certain treatments used to treat childhood cancer can affect a child’s ability to learn.

How can you put faith in something that has betrayed you like radiation? I always had faith in God and he has never betrayed me so how can I put my life in the hands of the demon that is already killing me? I don't know how I did it but with God on my side I shook hands and made peace with my demon. I trust him again. It seems crazy knowing I won't know for at least six months if it really did work and I'll never know how long I have before my cancer strikes back, but there is no way I am giving up now, I have come so far and been through so much, I don't care what I have to do, this girl isn't going down!

       This Curse
       My Soul
       If Someone Cared
       I've Changed So Much
       I Will Not Die
       To Be Anyone But Me

High School

What girls will do just to get ahead
Don’t you wish you stayed at home in bed,
Lies, deceit, back stabbing bitches
Two faced, heartless, tell it all snitches.

       What Girls Will Do
       It's Not About Me
       We'll Make It Together
       I See Your Soul
       You Push and I Fall
       It's Not Love
       Not Invisible
       Cover-up
       Baby It's Over
       So Now I Lay Me Down to Cry

Life is One Tough Pill to Swallow

Over the years I’ve learned;
       to laugh, to love, to sing, to smile, to dance, to win
       to lose, to fail, to pain, to hate, to cry, to wallow,
I’ve learned that life is one tough pill to swallow.

       Life Is One Tough Pill To Swallow
       Dreams are Crushed
       Parents
       What is Love
       Life is Hard
       How Lies can Stab Like a Knife
       It's Never Going to be Alright
       No Relief
       CoNfuSeD
       Invisible
       Life Just Isn't Fair

       Alternate Reality

Emotions

                      Confidence
              Brave, courageous
       Walking, talking, socializing,
Head high, low key, Tense, Agitated,
       Shaking, trembling, pounding,
                      Stiff, still
                          Fear

       ConFiDenCe
       Depression
       True Love
       Fear
       Emotions
       Revenge
       Misery
       Love

Other Stories and Poems

People ask if I was afraid to die
I’d take my finger and point to the sky,
I’d say the day that star up there is gone
That is the day that I will move on.

       The Man from Everywhere But Here
       Hey You
       A Late Night Encounter
       Prayer
       My Introduction to Jesus
       Limericks


       Who Am I       Faith, Hope, Triumph and Tragedy        Oncology       This Curse

       High School       Life is One Tough Pill to Swallow       Emotions       Other Stories and Poems